direct from . . .
Top Ten Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
(submitted by Sandman)
Your window is broken by a gaily decorated brick that would make a lovely doorstop or paperweight.
No matter how many times you change your phone number, she's always calling you with tips on how to throw a great party or slipcover an antique chair.
The obsessive love notes are written on hand-made paper and come tucked into a basket full of fragrant bath salts.
Everywhere you go, you smell cedarwood and rosemary.
You find your home has been broken into, all the silver polished, the beds made and decorated with hand made throw pillows, and a note on the couch that reads "It'd be a good thing."
Your car has not only been keyed, but detailed instructions have been left on how you can easily remove those key marks with half a potato or a summer squash.
The threatening letters in the mail are made with homemade, recycled paper, with calligraphy writing and pressed flowers glued to the corners.
(Lisa (She lives in my hometown... shudder...))
You find your car has been egged each morning - with a homemade quiche and garnished with Romanian parsley.
You find a slice of lemon in your dogs water bowl.
You find your pet rabbit roasted to perfection with parsely and a fine white glaze.
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Last modified: Nov 18, 1999